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?Well, you seem rather decided, Sandra. I?ve beendiscussing this with Dr. Cooper, and she feels the same way you do ?that the attack hasn?t really affected your convictions about yourgender change. She?s still recommending that you proceed.??I know. She told me she?s been on the phone with the clinic inPortland, trying to get me in this fall? I mean, she?ll book thesurgery as long as you?re okay with the whole thing.?He smiled. ?Yes, I know ? we?ve talked. Well then, you?ll be happy toknow that I have no further reservations. You may have thought I wasbeing overly cautious, and you?d be right about that. I know of quite afew transgender patients who have not done well post-surgery. Many ofthem have huge regrets, and there have been a number of suicides.??That?s so awful ? but I can?t imagine ever having any regrets.??Sandra, you need to appreciate that every single patient in yoursituation would say that. And believe it too. But I think I?ve knownyou long enough ? I have a high level. I still have all these uselessmemories of like Christmases and all that shit with them. It wasn't allbad. Some of it was pretty good. But it doesn't really matter now,because I'm Amy now. I can tell you how Martin felt about all of it, butI can't feel it myself." But you're wondering, right? How they went on with their lives and all?What they think of yo--his disappearance?" Yeah, in a sick, morbid, twisted, fucked up way. Oh fuck, it's likevisiting a graveyard or something to see an old friend." You can pour out a 40 on your old lawn. To my dead homey, whose life Iused to inhabit." His old lawn." Sorry."Well, it seemed Curiosity was a lot tougher than Horror. "What thefuck," I said. "Okay, I'll go. I'm not going to like tell them who I amor anything and you can do all the talking." If they even remember me." They probably will."Now that I had made the decision, I felt a little sick to my stomach.Martin had been squeezed down into a teensy-tiny seed through this.
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